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Do I Still Belong Here?
an invitation to join a live conversation about the courage to out-grow where you are, without knowing exactly where you're going.
I find my Self in the liminal space between the hangover of the pandemic and the endless potential of the future. It’s within this space that I am observing the immense inner growth that occurred over the past 3 years and determining how to move forward using the knowledge and wisdom gleaned from that experience.
Assessing the rubble from the war that was waged both externally and internally to discern what needs to be constructed, how, and why.
Notice I didn’t say re-construct, re-build or re-new?
This is because I am acutely aware that if I attempt to build anything in response to how I’ve been activated, I am choosing to pull the past into the future. This has been one of my hard truths because it comes with immense Self responsibility and accountability.
This statement is not to be confused with ignoring, by-passing, or avoiding the lessons of the past. I am talking about getting intensely curious about what it means to build from a place of lived experience, integrated knowledge, and therefore wisdom.
I’ve learned that lessons and wisdom are not mutually exclusive. When we fail to HALT, lessons that are not fully integrated loop, and therefore obstruct the spiraling nature of wisdom. Identifying these patterns within has been part of my growth, as I continually pull at the threads of the identities I’ve constructed and assumed through the conditioning of external realities.
I also can’t ignore that historically failing to HALT before creating, is one of the severe epigenetic consequences of war. A pattern that I believe keeps us traumatized beyond the womb and looping inside of repressive systems.
The multi-dimensionality that has been unlocked within, means the totality of perspectives I am currently holding does not fit neatly into a box, group, paradigm or vision of ‘new earth’ (whatever that really means), that I am witnessing and observing unfold around me.
I find my Self dancing between ideas, philosophies, modalities, concepts, people, places, and things, but ultimately being pulled inward to feel into the truth of what I’m being told and shown.
Truly paying attention and taking inventory of every energetic contract being presented. Contracts that can only be formalized by the Agreements I make via my acknowledgement of their existence.
What am I making true, versus what is true? How and why?
Short answer - I can’t answer that for anyone but my Self.
But my intuition is telling me that I’m not the only one who feels this way. That I am not alone in feeling like I have out-grown the truths that once kept me safe, and the containers where I felt seen, heard, validated, and held. That while I don’t have solid answers or solutions, I know what I’m being presented with isn’t “it”. That speaking these feelings and thoughts out loud feels audacious and confronting because it has the potential to crumble the house that I just built…again.
Yet here I am. Ready and willing to feel the fear and do it anyway.
If you are feeling the call to resist looking outside of your Self for validation, confirmation, or indications, of what is happening in and around you, know it’s tugging at you for a greater purpose.
You’re being invited to reflect on where you’ve been and how many versions of you have emerged based on your external world, and how they made you feel. What was beneficial to your growth, and what hindered it? What needs to be honed and what needs to be released.
If you’re still reading, these answers are asking to be integrated at depths you’ve not had the energetic capacity to explore until now. If you are in a season where you feel called to take a giant step back because something in your gut is telling you the pause will propel you forward…listen.
But it is important to note that while we are being called to do this deeper work individually, it doesn’t mean we have to do it in complete isolation.
Let’s Have A Conversation
All of this said, I’m hosting an intimate live Soul Session for anyone who resonates with this post. It’s not to sell or promote anything. The only intention is to create and hold space for us to share and bear witness to the stories that are keeping us stuck and stagnant, both conscious and unconscious. I’ve had far too many conversations with those of you who stayed in situations long past their expiration date, because they didn’t know where else to go. Let’s witness and observe that loop so it can be transformed!
Space will be limited to ensure everyone has an opportunity to participate. RSVP to receive information concerning the date and time of the call. Also, feel free to share this to a friend who needs it.
I hope to you see your beautiful face there!
This article is part of a series of written contemplations that are guiding my own personal Grand Rising Experience and how it will inevitably seep into the Podcast, Portal and Summits. These are fluid concepts, both tangible and abstract, I find my Self flowing through as I seek to find greater wells of purpose and peace, through an embodied journey into the truth of who I am.
These musings represent the heavily nuanced conversations I am inviting into my life and holding space to have and explore more deeply. Please join me in the comments or reach out to me privately, if you feel called to share.