It’s Not Them, It’s You.
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It’s Not Them, It’s You.
Transform your life by taking radical responsibility for everything in it.
Are stuck in a loop of WTF moments? Completely sick and tired of everyone’s shit? If so, it might be time to get honest about who or what, is the common denominator of your frustrations.
Spoiler alert…it’s you.
It’s always you. Point-blank, period. No one is special, above, or immune to this universal truth.
You might believe that Karen is a pain in your ass now, but I‘m betting it was Chad this time last year. And if nothing changes, I can guarantee in 6 months something or someone else will be to blame for your foul mood.
Here’s a hard lesson; You are the only common denominator in your life. Refusing to accept this will ensure you remain a victim of your own creations.
Ouch.
I’m not saying this to shame or blame, although it might sting a little. I know this to be true, because I only dive into topics I have first-hand experience with. So if this concept of radical responsibility is triggering an onslaught of ‘buts’ and ‘what-bout-isims’, I ask that you sit in the discomfort of those feelings. Take note of where and how they are showing up in your body, and ride this thought-wave to the end with me.
Feeling Triggered?
Have you ever been salty at someone and created an argument with them in your head?
But instead of observing the thoughts, taking responsibility for them, and questioning your feelings, you default into familiar emotional reactions? Reactions that move the argument out of your head (and your control), and into reality, where it manifested real life consequences?
I have. I’m 99.9% sure we all have experience being both the creator and receiver of unconscious trauma responses.
On the flip side, I also fantasized about selling everything I own, moving to a Caribbean island, and building a new life. I surrounded myself with photos, music, and information that allowed me to experience the feeling of, what I considered to be, my dream existence; swinging in a hammock between two palm trees, paying off debt with my new fancy job title, snorkeling whenever I wanted and brunching on Seven Mile beach.
Guess what? I made that happen too!
Same brain. Very different thought spirals and outcomes. Outcomes that were dependent on my ability to consciously observe the vitality and frequency of my thoughts.
Negative thoughts = negative outcomes.
Positive thoughts = positive outcomes.
My ability to transform a negative into a positive, directly correlates with my willingness to take full responsibility and accountability for the thoughts that create my words and actions. And I’m talking about the deep seeded thoughts that only God and I know exist.
The Outer World Reflects Your Inner World
The world is your personal funhouse of mirrors. Every experience is your teacher, and contains within it the potential for you to witness aspects of Self currently outside of your awareness. But this only can happen when you stop blaming, shaming and deflecting your soul work onto others. You cannot lie to your Self about the quality of the inner conversations that only you and God can hear.
Remember, your soul chose the path you are currently walking. Your free will determines the ease at which you traverse it. Accepting this truth is your key to the universe. Think of each thought as a big-bang event that shapes your inner cosmos. A snapshot of your current state of energy, frequency and vibration that ripples out into the world. As Nikola Tesla notoriously said;
“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”
Observe Your Thoughts, Don’t Absorb Them.
If you want an accurate baseline of what is showing up in your life and why, you must be willing to observe your inner dialogue when you’re completely alone and without distraction. Then you need to be radically honest with your Self about what you discover.
If you’re not willing to be 100% honest with your Self, now would be a good time to rid yourself of the expectation that anyone else is required to tell you the truth. Not only is it hypocritical, but when you lie to your Self you become energetically incapable of attracting honesty into your reality.
The thoughts you create when absolutely nothing else is demanding your attention, determines the reality you will experience. I say create because your thoughts are either being created from the frequency ruled by the limiting ego and emotional self, or from the infinite higher states of Self.
Your free will is the tricky mistress that grants you the power to choose what your attention and energy fuels, and whether you are going to allow your thoughts to spiral up or down.
The ceiling of the ego is the basement of the highest self.
Thoughts always become things, and the frequency of your thoughts places limits on the quality of who and what you will attract into your life. What exactly does this mean? Let’s take a look, shall we?
The following graphic depicts a conceptual framework first developed by David Hawkins M.D, Ph.D. that analyzes a variety of psychological and spiritual states. While his numerical scale can be debated, his general philosophy aligns with many ancient teachings, indicating that higher levels of consciousness correspond to greater psychological and spiritual integration and thus, harmony with life.
I resonate with this graphic because it allows me to visualize where my limits may currently be constructed, based on what I’m observing when I’m staring at the ceiling at 3am. It also provides a roadmap to reframe and rise above my current state.
It is undeniable that current societal structures and belief systems are heavily rooted in victim/abuser consciousness, so I invite you to pay attention to thoughts and feelings that elicit shame, guilt, fear, grief, anger and apathy. Equally question what you have been taught about desire and pride; traits that society covets as positive, yet according to this chart, sit low on the frequency scale.
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
Frequency cannot lie, therefore it is impossible to lie to the highest aspects of Self. Lying (a.k.a refusing to take 100% responsibility and accountability for every single thing that shows up in your life), caps your potential by creating dis-ease in mind, body, and soul; trapping you inside a prison of your own design.
Honesty truly is the best policy and originates within, starting with your thoughts. Anything that prevents you from accepting full responsibility for the quality and purification of your thoughts, is ultimately what creates your own suffering.
It was at the apex of my battle with burnout when I first came to the hard realization that whatever I wasn’t changing I was choosing. That my life would never improve until the choices I was making did, and because my choices will always be driven and guided by the quality of my thoughts, I needed to start there.
Funny thing about lessons, they never stop showing up. Even when you think you’ve learned them. They just throw on a different disguise to test the level of conscious awareness you can hold throughout your day. I had to start getting curious about how my subconscious thoughts were materializing in my life, so I could learn how to crack my own code. I’m great at finding (and complaining about) patterns in others. Now it was time to bear witness to my Self and get curious about my own.
Get Curious About How You Spend Your Time
Time is a construct, sure. But when you’re trying to take charge over your thoughts, it's a great tool to help quantify who and what is getting your attention. Because after all, the focus of your attention is the direct result of what you spend your time thinking about. What gets and holds your attention, informs your thoughts. Rince. Repeat.
The cycle is real.
The best thieves in the world know how to steal your time.
Attention is your most valuable asset and must be treated as such. If you don’t take full responsibility and accountability over what you spend it on, others will absolutely exploit it, and so will your subconscious programming.
Everytime you scroll mindlessly, get triggered by external events, and allow others to live rent-free in your head, you are diluting your creative potential which is your intrinsic value. Again, it’s not them…it’s you. You can’t be a victim and willing participant at the same time. You must learn how to break the cycle!
As I was becoming more conscious of my thoughts, I naturally became more curious about my subconscious thoughts. I began to analyze what I do when I’m on autopilot, which is when I started to become aware of how many times I walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge or cupboards looking for snacks. I began making mental notes of what I was thinking, feeling or doing in the moments leading up to my journey to the kitchen, in an effort to connect the dots backwards in search of the root cause. I would literally stare into the open fridge and have therapy sessions with myself, trying to understand why I was reaching for food when I wasn’t hungry.
As a self-professed snack-a-saurus who loves to eat the entire spectrum of my feelings, my weight has always felt out of my control and I blamed my genetics for it. That was one of the first myths I remember busting with my new found curiosity and pattern recognition skills. This is how I started transforming my relationship with my body; how I fueled it, loved it, punished it and why. I talk more about this in The Coocoon Membership.
You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs
Digital History Lesson
The habits, patterns and beliefs created inside of your thought-attention loop determines the level of consciousness and frequency you operate within and therefore emit. Lucky for you, in 2023 your attention has a blueprint with verifiable metrics, that you can access at the click of a button. Also, because your physical relationships typically have a digital imprint, this can allow you to begin to assess how you connect with others, without them being in the room.
Here are a few ways you can evaluate how you are currently spending your time, assess who and what is getting your attention and reflect on how this is either feeding or being fueled by, the current state of your thoughts.
How much time are you spending on all of your devices per day?
What is the breakdown by App?
What apps are you visiting most frequently?
How much are you consuming vs commenting vs posting?
Who do you text/call most frequently?
What makes up your internet browsing history?
This can be a confronting exercise that’s comparable to reviewing your finances and putting together a budget for the first time. Finding out if your habits and patterns reflect thoughts operating in the red or the black, can suck.
But once you know who and what is getting your time and attention (aka your currency), you can begin to make an honest assessment about how it makes you feel, what kind of ripple it creates, and if it’s bringing you closer or further from creating a reality aligned with your true Self.
Asses the Energy Exchange and Budget Accordingly
When I started following the tracks of my digital footprint in 2018, I was embarrassed at the amount of time and potential I was wasting. I was confronted by a new lens of awareness that caused me to purge my Instagram account and become very intentional with the type of content I consumed, and who I allowed to view mine.
I was committed to a journey of self development and I ensured my feed reflected that back to me. I was only interested in posts that expanded my consciousness, challenged my fitness goals, provided me with tools to heal past traumas and inspire me to step outside of my comfort zone. Annnnnd for little levity - dogs doggin’ and cats being adorable assholes.
If I was going to pay others with my attention, I wanted an equal or greater exchange for it, so I started asking my Self questions like:
If a stranger found my phone, what would my conversations reveal about the quality and depth of my relationships?
Is my digital footprint stuck in the past, rooted in the present, or future focused?
Does my browser history reflect if I’m judging others or bettering Self?
Do the Apps that get most of my attention align with the future I claim I want?
Is my watch, like, comment, buying and conversation history consistent with my goals?
The beautiful thing about starting this process with your digital footprint is that it will naturally ripple out and permeate every aspect of your life. It is an exercise that doesn’t require the participation, validation or permission of anyone else. It is a powerful process that will start to energetically disconnect you from the people, places, and things that are stunting your growth and steer you into opportunities that challenge and expand your potential.
My self-healing journey started in my phone. It was a safe space that allowed me to tap into ideas that were not readily available to me in my current season. I have never met most of the mentors that have profoundly changed my life because they lived inside of the books, youtube channels, podcasts, and social media accounts I immersed my Self in during this period of self discovery.
As my thoughts elevated and belief structures disintegrated, the energy I was tapping into online started to appear within my created reality. I was now attracting the people, places and things that lit my soul on fire. I was actively creating a new reality for my Self, a skill that can temporarily be forgotten in lower vibrational moments, but never be completely taken away from me because…
What Has Been Seen Cannot Be Unseen.
“What has been seen cannot be unseen and what has been learned cannot be unknown. You cannot change the past, but you can learn from it. You can grow from it. You can be made stronger. You can use that strength to change your life, to change your future.” ― CW
So, if you rode my thought-wave this far and felt a few gut punches along the way, take it as a sign that it might just be time to get sick of your own shit.
Welcome to the Club, it’s a pleasure to have you!
Embodying the concepts of radical responsibility and accountability has changed my life. It has ushered in timelines, peace, and joy, that I didn’t realize was readily available. While simultaneously ushering out people, places, and things that don’t align and resonate at the same frequency.
It has expanded and multiplied the totality of perspectives I am able to hold at once, allowing deeper truths and lessons to emerge inside of every interaction. It has unburdened me of excusing the negative behavior of others simply because I am aware of their wounding. Because when you can hold your Self fully responsible and accountable for what is appearing in your reality, it naturally extends to others. This is how I am choosing to participate in the collective dissolution of victim consciousness.
I used to wish this was a linear journey with only an upward trajectory. Meaning, once I created my island dream, it meant I mastered self-limiting triggers and stopped tripping on the consequences of my negative thoughts. But it’s not, and I am learning to appreciate the beauty in the struggle.
I have learned that achieving new levels most certainly means meeting new Devils, and the only way to keep rising and learning, is by accepting full responsibility for everything and one I attract into my reality.
We are living through times where we can see the lies outside of ourselves within structures and institutions that are crumbling. But we do ourselves a deep disservice when we attempt to correct in others, what we fail to correct within ourselves.
All change starts and ends with you.
until next time,
Nicole
Sharing is Caring
Share this article and/or drop a like or comment below letting us know how your thoughts have positively or negatively impacted your life?
I want to know all of the things and your story could also help or empower others.