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Where Do I Feel it in My Body?
Learning how to use your physical body to decode your emotional story
I was so disconnected from my body for so long that when it was in distress and screaming at me, it was second nature for me to dissociate and tune it out. My threshold for pain was off the charts because I refused to take painkillers and would always soldier through the pain. Looking back, I have so much compassion for the woman in survival mode who was doing the best she could, with what she had.
But now that I know better…I vow to never self-harm like that again.
My Back Story (literally + figuratively)
I had chronic back pain for years. I vividly remember crawling to the bathroom at 5:30am because I needed to get ready for work. I wasn't sure how I was going to get to the office, or how I was going to spend the next 14 hours at my desk. Hell, I didn't even know how I was going to stand up! But I NEEDED to get to work. I had an unruly manager that would say, "if you're sick, just log in from home". Not, "rest and get better" or "your health is more important". We operated on a push through the pain mentality and she led by example. My dedication to pushing through at all costs made me the shining example of a "dedicated" employee.
It’s important to clarify that my job didn't require me to save lives. On the contrary, I managed and streamlined processes so that multi-billion dollar corporations could buy, sell and track their companies more efficiently. I can't begin to tell you how many times over the next year I crawled on my hands and knees before sunrise to get ready for work. I accepted this pain as permanent until I quit my job once I completely burned out, and everything changed.
Getting to the Root of It
After I left, I was a fucking mess! I barely left the house for the next 4 months and it was during that time that I taught myself how to meditate. I found myself googling ‘“what are chakras” and I had my first of many ah-ha moments! Could it be possible that my back pain is related to my root chakra? Was it possible that my former job was a symptom of how out of alignment I was with my soul, that it was literally crippling me? I had to know more, so I booked my first ever session with an energy facilitator trained in Reiki.
Without knowing anything about me, her immediate response to my energy was that my root chakra was a mess and it was deeply connected to my childhood and ancestors.
Your root chakra biologically governs the lower part of your body including the bladder, kidneys and lower spine and back. Psychologically it governs your primary needs, fight or flight, safety and security. Because your nervous system runs through your spine, the beliefs that rule your root chakra are deeply subconscious and often inherited.
She worked on loosening the blocks and gave me tips to find balance; foods to eat, frequencies to listen to, yoga poses and meditations. That was 6 years ago and I've not had a single episode since. This woman not only shifted my pain, but more importantly provided me with an experience and tools that brought the awareness and insight needed to connect my emotional pain to the physical pain in my body. It was like being handed a roadmap to my Being for the very first time.
Meeting her changed my life.
Curiouser and Curiouser…
The following year I started taking intuitive development classes and it was the biggest gift I ever gave myself. It allowed me to sit with a small group of aware, awake and compassionate women and practice how to get still and tap into my body. It taught me how to tell the difference between my energy and the energy I was absorbing from others. It taught me how to let my guard down, be vulnerable and hold space for others to do the same.
But the most unexpected and important takeaway was an awareness of how my body tenses, aches, and trembles BEFORE my brain has a chance to process an emotion. Once this started to happen, I was able to start connecting reactions in my body to past situations, events and experiences. This is how I started decoding the physical manifestations of the emotional debris I was hoarding from my past and absorbing from everyone around me. I was now able to get in front of panic attacks and control my anxiety. I was getting curious about what I inherited versus what I actually experienced and how one profoundly influences the other.